Blog #5 by Squealexander Hamilton, Totally Fine and Not Crying
The Needles Are Coming
Sound the alarm. Hide your snacks. Fortify the pig pen.
The vet is coming.
Yes, this Saturday, a human with a pokey agenda will arrive to stick needles into my puppies. Microchips. Vaccines. Medical drama.
I’ve been told this is “routine” and “necessary,” but from what I can tell, it’s a highly suspicious operation designed to traumatize every living being on this farm, including me, by proxy.
And don’t even get me started on the last time the vet came out for me.
I lost something that day.
Something important… MY MANHOOD.
One moment, I was living my best life, whole, proud, virile. The next, I was drunk as a skunk on piggy anesthesia, legs flailing, dignity gone. I don’t remember the procedure, but when I woke up, my back legs didn’t work, but my front legs really thought they did. I was like a four-legged wheelbarrow of chaos. Krystin said I was “like the drunk friend everyone just wants to put to bed.”
Unstoppable.
Unpredictable.
Uncoordinated.
So, forgive me if I have trust issues.
I’ll be watching this weekend’s puppy poking from a safe distance. Probably behind a hay bale. With popcorn.
Kat Is Leaving, and I’m Totally Fine
Now let’s talk about something completely unrelated that is absolutely not emotional.
Kat is leaving on Sunday.
Yes, my sweet little shadow. The pup who once fell asleep on my backside and drooled down my hip is going to her forever home. And I am… fine. Totally fine. Why would I not be fine? I barely even noticed her. We were never that close. It’s whatever.
Okay, fine. I liked Kat. I liked the way she followed me around like I was someone important (which, to be fair, I am). I liked the way she brought me sticks. I even tolerated the tail-in-the-face snuggles.
And now she’s leaving me. Forever. With strangers.
Well, not complete strangers. Apparently, she’s going to live with one of Krystin’s good friends, which is the only reason I’m not currently eating an entire watermelon alone in the dark.
Also, let’s be real, Krystin isn’t exactly rushing to let the rest of the puppies go either. She’s been dragging her feet. Not even posting them online. No ads. No “adopt me” posts. Nothing. Just quiet whispers to close friends and clients like she’s running a secret puppy underground.
Thankfully, her emotional damage is working in my favor. Kat may be leaving, but the rest? Still here. Still mine. Still rolling in the mud with me like the little ankle-biters they are.
Hamilton the Hypnotist
Thankfully, when the sadness sets in, I have ways of coping. Mainly: manipulating the humans.
And no one is easier to bend to my will than Chris, my other favorite human and honorary piglet.
The man doesn’t stand a chance. All it takes is a slow blink and a little flutter of my impossibly long eyelashes, and suddenly he’s like, “Mr. Pig, do you want a snack?”
Of course I do, Chris. I always want a snack.
He says he’s “on to me,” but let’s be honest, I’ve got him under full snout control.
Just the other day, I hypnotized him so thoroughly that he forgot to close the chicken door.
You know what that means?
Nine eggs.
Straight from the source. Still warm. Practically gourmet. I seasoned them with a little mud for flair. Perfection.
Another time, I caught him in a moment of weakness and poof! He forgot to close the shop door.
Do you know what was in there?
An entire pallet of organic horse feed stacked as high as Mt. Everest… just waiting for me to feast on.
Word around the farm is that one bag costs $70. I ripped into the first one I could get my snout on and let me tell you…
- Whole oats – classic. Crunchy. Nutty. A staple.
- Green peas – surprisingly sweet. Would eat again.
- Yellow peas – not as fun as the green ones, but acceptable.
- Papaya – exotic, juicy, a tropical vacation in dehydrated form.
- Rose hips – floral, mysterious. Felt like I was eating someone’s fancy garden.
- Green cabbage – meh. Added texture. Probably just there for gut health.
- Spirulina – tastes like pond scum, but in a fancy superfood way.
- Fenugreek – makes everything smell like maple syrup. I approve.
- Anise – spicy licorice weirdness. Still ate it. Felt dangerous. Loved it.
I’m not saying I blacked out and had the best meal of my life, but I’m also not not saying that.
I am not just a pig. I am a tactical genius with lashes that could launch a thousand snacks.
And Chris? He’s basically just my handsome snack valet now.
Final Thoughts From a Slightly Heartbroken Pig
This weekend is going to be a lot.
Shots, squeals, drama, betrayal, and a tiny goodbye that I’m not taking personally (but totally am).
I’ll be here, holding down the emotional fort while the puppies cry, the humans stress, and Kat walks off into her new life like a fluffy little traitor.
But I’ll survive. I always do.
And if I don’t?
I expect at least three slices of watermelon…
and a soft blanket in tribute.
Snoutfully Yours,
🐽 Squealexander Hamilton
Emotional Support Pig. Master Manipulator. Kat’s #1 Fan (but don’t tell her).