By: Squealexander Hamilton
Tiny Pig, Wind Victim, Amateur Meteorologist & Occasionally a Cat
I would like to begin by saying that 50 mph wind gusts are completely unnecessary.
This is not a breeze.
This is not “a bit windy.”
This is air moving with intent.
Today, the wind did not simply pass through the farm. It arrived, yelled at everyone, shoved me sideways, and attempted to steal my ears. Trees were screaming. Buildings were complaining. And I personally felt like I was being heckled by the atmosphere.
To make matters worse, the weather has been yo-yoing.
One day it’s freeze-your-nose-off cold.
Then suddenly it’s in the 50s, and everyone thinks spring has arrived.
Then BAM. Back to cold again.
Pick a personality.
I firmly believe this emotional instability is the root of all problems.
Hamilton’s Official Winter Survival Guide
Because I am wise, experienced, and currently offended by the air, I will now share my expertise.
Rule #1: Do Not Trust Warm Weather in Winter
If it suddenly feels nice, it is a trick.
Do not be fooled.
Winter always comes back angrier.
Rule #2: Wind Is Worse Than Snow
Snow falls politely.
Wind gets personal.
Wind goes inside your fur and whispers threats.
Rule #3: Straw Is Not Bedding … It Is a Lifestyle
Straw must be:
- Deep
- Fluffed
- Strategically arranged
If you can still see the ground, you have failed.
Rule #4: Choose Shelter Like Your Life Depends on It
Because it does.
Face away from the wind.
Glare at it from safety.
The Clothing Suggestion (Immediate Objection Filed)
It was at this point that the humans suggested clothing.
A coat.
For me.
I would like to state formally:
- I already have a coat
- It is attached
- I did not ask for accessories
Krystin said, “This would help you.”
I said nothing because I was busy remembering past clothing incidents.
Clothing requires:
- Lifting feet
- Holding still
- Trust
All three are unacceptable.
Why Clothing Is a Trap
Putting clothes on me is a two-person operation involving:
- Negotiation
- Betrayal
- At least one dramatic flop
Krystin always says, “Just one leg, Hamilton.”
That is how it starts.
Next thing you know, dignity is gone, and someone is saying, “You look so cute.”
I do not wish to be cute.
I wish to be warm and free.
These goals are apparently incompatible.
Katniss, The Weather Yo-Yo & My Secret Cat Life
As if the weather had not already done enough, Katniss, one of our resident cats, came down with an upper respiratory cold.
And I know exactly why.
It was the weather yo-yo.
You cannot go from freezing to 50s and back to freezing and expect cats to… accept that. This kind of temperature whiplash is reckless. It confuses immune systems. It offends noses.
Katniss had to go to the vet to get checked out, which I consider further proof that the weather has gone too far.
The good news is that she is now recovering on the cat porch, snuggled up next to the heater, warm, safe, and being appropriately dramatic.
I would like to clarify something.
Sometimes…
I identify as a cat.
And when someone forgets to close the door to the cat porch, I sneak in. Quietly. Respectfully. With purpose.
I curl up in the fluffy cat bed.
I snuggle.
I pretend I belong.
For a brief moment, I am warm, soft, and not battling the elements.
Then someone notices.
And once again, I am returned to my pig responsibilities.
Wind-Specific Survival Rules (Advanced Level)
Rule #5: Never Face the Wind
Turn sideways.
Squint suspiciously.
Lower expectations.
Rule #6: Nap Strategically
Wind eventually gets tired.
You must outlast it.
Rule #7: If You Cannot See Hamilton, He Is Surviving Correctly
This means I am buried in straw, tucked behind walls, or impersonating a cat.
Final Declaration
Winter has escalated.
The wind is hostile.
The weather is emotionally unstable.
The cats are catching colds.
Katniss is healing.
The cat porch remains warm.
Clothing negotiations are ongoing but tense.
And I will continue doing what I do best:
Surviving winter, blaming the weather, and sneaking naps wherever heaters exist.
Snortfully yours,
Squealexander Hamilton 🐽