While trapped inside during what I can only describe as six consecutive days of rude, unnecessary rain, I spent some time reviewing the state of the internet.
The results were upsetting.
Apparently, a pig named Merlin has just been placed in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most followers on Instagram.
1.1 million followers.
I read the number several times because at first I assumed it was a typo.
It was not.
Naturally, this raises several questions.
First of all, how exactly does one become this famous?
Second of all, what exactly is Merlin doing that I am not doing?
Because I feel I have been providing excellent content for quite some time now.
For example:
- I supervise feed deliveries.
- I conduct regular mud quality inspections.
- I provide important commentary on the weather.
- I occasionally pose in sunbeams.
Frankly, I feel my portfolio is strong.
Yet here we are.
Which brings me to the difficult conclusion that perhaps some of the responsibility lies with my fan base.
I don’t like pointing hooves.
But if another pig has 1.1 million followers, and I do not, then clearly someone has not been sharing my work aggressively enough.
I assume you will all reflect on this.
In fairness, the weather has not helped my publicity campaign.
After one single respectable day of sunshine and temperatures in the 60s, the sky has spent the last six straight days raining like it has personal issues.
Six days.
Do you know what kind of content opportunities are lost in five days of rain?
- No proper sun lounging
- Substandard mud conditions
- Dramatically reduced outdoor supervision
Honestly, it feels like the weather and Merlin are working together.
Still.
If Merlin can get 1.1 million followers, then clearly the internet is capable of making questionable decisions at scale.
Which means there is still hope for me.
I will be considering my options.
Possible strategies include:
- hiring a marketing team
- increasing dramatic staring
- or releasing a limited series called “Watermelon With Hamilton.”
This situation is developing.
Also, if any of you know Merlin personally, please tell him I would like to speak with him… privately.
Snoutfully Yours,
🐽Squealexander Hamilton
Editor-in-Chief, Grounded with Nature News
Senior Supervisor of Pigfluencer Growth & Strategic Snack Management
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